Haiti a ‘poverty hack’, says Africa

PATRICK WILLIAMS

Africa made public its long suspected animosity towards Haiti this morning, when asked by journalists what it thought of the unprecedented success the Caribbean nation had experienced at the Annual Third World Awards ceremony.

Winning the award for ‘best new third world country’, ‘most appeals for donations at the Golden Globe Awards’, ‘most token donations from uninformed celebrities’ and the coveted ‘longest speech by Bono without any cash donation from said singer’ award, Haiti was the clear winner on the night.

However one of Haiti’s main rivals, Africa, didn’t appear to take too kindly at being beaten by Haiti in several categories, and voiced their dissatisfaction shortly after the conclusion of the ceremony.

“What people need to realise is that you don’t just become a shitty third world country over night”, explained Africa. “It takes years of civil war and famine to get to the level that I’m at, and frankly, I don’t really appreciate some upstart country coming in and telling the world that it’s anywhere near the level I’m at. Need I really remind people that Zimbabwe is a part of me?”

“It almost seems like there’s this mentality these days that you can just get hit by a tidal wave or a tornado or whatever and all of a sudden Bono becomes your new best friend. We invented aids god damn it. They had two live8 concerts for us and we’re still here at the third world awards every year. We’ve earned our spot as the undisputed poverty continent, and for this hack to come in all of a sudden and think it’s a third world country now. It truly is beyond belief.”

Burma was also asked to comment, but was unable to be located. On a map.