Australia using their ‘secret weapon’ in Ashes

JULIAN SIEBER

The Australian cricket team has turned to their last resort for the 2010 Ashes series – channeling the spiritual power of recent legendary cricketers, David Boon, Merv Hughes and Tom Selleck.

Australian fast bowler Mitchell Johnson confessed to The Daily Gazelle that the team was told the only chance they had of matching up to England was to ‘grow the mo’ and assume the cricketing powers of Australia’s cricketing heroes.

“I mean, the team is not the strongest it could be,” said Johnson. ”We’ve lost some of the experience of our older players and that always hurts the team. Also, we thought John Travolta was playing, but, you know… that didn’t happen.

“It’s clear to anyone that these hairy guys had amazing powers beyond the average human. Hitting sixes, taking wickets and drinking mind-boggling amounts of booze. Sweet.”

Former Australian leg spinner and Ashes champion Shane Warne says that growing a moustache is an invaluable way of improving your cricketing game overnight.

“Growing a moustache is an invaluable way of improving your cricketing game overnight,” said Shane Warne. “Advanced Hair Studio’s strand-by-strand follicle stimulating technology can help yo-"

At this point in the interview, our reporters packed up their gear and left the room, all the time Mr Warne still talking about Advanced Hair Studios.

With the Ashes just beginning, we still have no idea how this strategy is going to turn out, but if it is successful, Cricket Australia has already promised that international cricketers representing Australia will no longer receive a baggy green, but instead a ‘hairy brown’ – a Merv Hughes-style fake moustache they must wear every game.

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Chilean miners surface after 10 weeks without mining anything

Patrick Williams

A group of Chilean miners are under fire today after it was announced publically that they returned to the surface after 10 weeks without mining a single piece of coal, iron-ore, gold or platinum.

 

It is not known at this stage whether the mining company will seek legal action after the miners were suspended without pay for the misdemeanor.

 

A spokesperson for the company confirmed that the miners would face further scrutiny and sanctions in the near future.

 

“Obviously you don’t expect something like this to ever happen. The fact of the matter is that they had 10 weeks underground to go around finding natural resources and collect them. They did nothing. They have abused our trust. Naturally we are quite disappointed.”

 

“You really have to question just what they were doing down there.  They were on company time and we expect all our staff to act professionally and diligently when this is the case. We are extremely upset by their behavior.”

 

When asked by one journalist whether the miners had even found semi-precious copper, the spokesperson was unequivocal in his response.

 

“No, some people have asked me that and the answer is simply ‘no’. To be honest I’m surprised they were even able to find the elevator that got them out. They’d better start practicing though, they will soon need to find new jobs.”

 

Even the miners themselves, such as Juan Pablo Rodriguez, appeared disheartened by the events.

 

“Many people have said to me, ‘Juan, surely you have an excuse as to why you did not mine any coal’ and sadly I have to admit that I have no excuse. We really dug ourselves into a hole on this one.”

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Matt Preston to star in new film: Ingestion

JULIAN SIEBER

Master Chef’s Matt Preston is set to star as himself in the new blockbuster contemporary sci-fi cuisine-thriller: “Ingestion”, likely to be released late next year.

Director Gabriel Walker had this to say about the film’s plot: “in a world where technology exists to enter the human mind though food invasion, a highly skilled chef is given a final chance at redemption which involves executing his toughest job till date, Ingestion.”

Matt Preston, being noticed by the Hollywood director after winning the Graham Kennedy Award for Most Outstanding New Talent Male, appears very excited to be starring in his first lead role.

“Without giving away the plot too much, I love the part where I have to steal secret information from someone’s mind by cooking a macaroon, inside a macaroon, inside another macaroon.

“Well, yes, at first I was a little skeptical about the script. I thought the characters were a little dry and undercooked, but the thick, creamy and avocado-like nature of the plot kept my interest.”

Despite the delicious promise of this film, Walker has recently come up against a lot of bad press, critics saying it strikes a strong resemblance to another popular blockbuster starring Leonardo DiCaprio.

“You’re right,” explains Walker. “It is pretty much based on one of his greatest films. Titanic. There’s this one part, where in order to save everyone on this ship, Preston has to cook a fully operational lifeboat with only a capsicum. It’s epic.

“It has some awesome quotes, like for example:

‘Yusuf: Puddings inside puddings are too unstable!’

Or,

‘Preston: The seed we planted in this man’s mind may change everything.

Eames: The apple seed?

Preston: Exactly. It’s time to make apple pie.’

Or my favourite:

‘Preston: I’m just doing what you taught me.

Professor: I never taught you to be a chef.’

“Without giving away the plot, the best part would have to be the ending, where Preston has done all this cool stuff, and then he wakes up and it’s all a dream.”

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Amazing Portugal Excite with Seven Goals, Soccer Fans Disappointed

Patrick Williams

Fans of soccer, or ‘Futbol’ as it is known by anyone who follows the sport, were left feeling betrayed and disappointed on Monday night as the sport they knew and loved was turned into a farce.

People witnessing the match were treated to a high scoring, action packed display of skill and excitement, which has left fans of the sport feeling disgusted and ashamed. Many feel that the beautiful game has been tainted by the incident, and that any chance of it retaining its image of a defensive, boring game has been lost.

“If I wished to see sports that had lots of scoring and many moments of excitement I would go watch a game of basketball or AFL” said Enrique Stephanos, a Portugal supporter, who was asked to comment on Portugal’s shameful win after the match.

“Sure, we won on the scoreboard, but everyone who follows the sport knows that really we lost. What kind of futbol team aims to score more than one, maybe two, goals in a match. We had the 1-0 lead and yet our players refused to defend and waste time. It makes me ashamed to be Portuguese.”

Les Murray summed up the feelings of many after the match, stating that “For it to happen at the world cup of all places is upsetting for fans of the sport. Whatever happened to the nil-all draw? Today is a sad day for futbol.”

FIFA president Sepp Blatter issued a statement to fans of both teams and the sport in general after the match in an attempt to regain the confidence of all involved in futbol.

“I would firstly like to apologies to anyone who had to witness the match. A game with that many goals and moments of furor never has, and never will belong in the game of futbol”, stated Blatter. “We make no excuses for it happening, however, I will promise here and now that such a display as that of today shall never be witnessed again in futbol so long as I remain president.”

The deplorable display comes less than a week after Portugal’s glorious 0-0 draw with the Ivory Coast, making Monday night’s match all the more unexpected.

Questions are now being asked as to who is to blame for the travesty that has shaken the sport to its core. Many suspect that the match’s referee, Pablo Pozo, will be severely reprimanded after he failed to give a mandatory red card to Portugal when they took a 1-0 lead, as has been par for the tournament before the match.

Others, however, are blaming the players themselves. The game appeared to be a respectable one at the half-time mark, with the score locked down at 1-0. But in the second half, for reasons yet unknown, the Portugal players began the disgraceful run of play that lead to a further six goals. At one point, the commotion and noise caused by one of the goals temporarily drowned out the sound of the vuvuzelas, upsetting fans even further.

Portugal’s Tiago, who was responsible for two of the shameful goals, publicly apologised after the match.

“When you get selected to represent your country, you never even contemplate it ending as terribly as it did for me today. I apologise wholeheartedly and unreservedly for my two goals. This is not what the sport is about. I realise now that I should have played the game the way it was meant to be played, the way all players who have come before me played it. I promise from now on to simply defend, dive for free kicks and generally waste everyone’s time. Today has been a day of great shame for me.”

In other world cup news, England's 0-0 draw has been labeled a “classic” and “one for the fans”. The low scoring affair sets them up for immediate qualification for the final 16 under FIFA’s widely praised ‘Draw is the new Win’ rule.

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Cousins finally settled down

JULIAN SIEBER

Ben Cousins starred as the Richmond Tigers enjoyed a hard-earned victory over the Western Bulldogs at the MCG in last night’s pre-season scratch match.

The Tigers narrowly beat the Bulldogs by three points but the main attraction was Ben Cousins who finished with 72 possessions and nine goals despite injury concerns.

“No, yeah,” said Cousins. “My hamstring flared up a bit in the second quarter but the medical guys were great – they put me on ice straight away.”

Richmond coach Damien Hardwick had a few words to say about Cousins after the match: “Yeah, Benny played really well. He was on fire tonight and it was great seeing him so happy after the game in the change rooms. He was just full of ecstasy.

“The other players didn’t even have a chance – they couldn’t even touch him, he was that fast. He had so much speed today.”

Cousins has clearly moved past his drug problems that lead to his ban from the AFL in 2005.

“He seems to be fitting in quite nicely here at the Richmond Football club,” said the Richmond President.

“Membership numbers have risen dramatically since he came to the club. I just find it unusual that his insists on being paid his salary in $40 increments.”

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Kesha’s dentist sued for gross negligence

PATRICK WILLIAMS

Dr Miles Fenway, the dentist of pop artist Kesha, has had his license revoked after allegations arose that he had been advising several of his patients, including the high profile singer, to brush their teeth with various alcoholic spirits.

The advice, in sharp contrast to the traditionally accepted best practice of using toothpaste, has received severe scrutiny from the Dentists’ Industrial Council.

“The DIC is obviously pretty disappointed that people are being advised to put such things in their mouth,” stated a representative of the council, “it is no wonder that Ms Kesha feels aggrieved by the situation. But that said, we are helping her with this matter. In fact, she has told us on several occasions how grateful she really is. It is fair to say that Kesha loves the DIC.

“As can be seen, we really had no choice but to revoke Dr Fenway’s license. No sane dentist would ever advise their patients to use Jack Daniels or Bundaberg rum to brush their teeth. I mean just practically, it doesn’t make sense. Wouldn’t it, like, just go through the bristles and straight down the sink? For these reasons, we are suspicious that Dr Fenway has been receiving bribes for giving out this information.”

Further inquiry by The Daily Gazelle seemed to confirm the allegations, as it was discovered through private investigation that the team of lawyers representing Dr Fenway were being financed by none other than Jack Daniels Pty Inc.

When asked for comment on the case, Dr Fenway’s lawyers seemed confident.

“Obviously the case is not as smooth as the taste of Jack Daniels. However, with that being said, we are confident that our client will soon be tasting the sweet, sweet taste of victory, a taste that is arguably as good as Jack Daniels. I don’t know about you, but all this talk has made me thirsty. Thirsty for Jack Daniels.”

Mr. Bundy Bear was also approached for comment on the matter, and was found in his appartment smelling strongly of rum and missing a shoe. He was quoted as saying “graaaw!”, before hurling a Bundy can at reporters whilst claiming that they could not judge him, as they did not know him.

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Haiti a ‘poverty hack’, says Africa

PATRICK WILLIAMS

Africa made public its long suspected animosity towards Haiti this morning, when asked by journalists what it thought of the unprecedented success the Caribbean nation had experienced at the Annual Third World Awards ceremony.

Winning the award for ‘best new third world country’, ‘most appeals for donations at the Golden Globe Awards’, ‘most token donations from uninformed celebrities’ and the coveted ‘longest speech by Bono without any cash donation from said singer’ award, Haiti was the clear winner on the night.

However one of Haiti’s main rivals, Africa, didn’t appear to take too kindly at being beaten by Haiti in several categories, and voiced their dissatisfaction shortly after the conclusion of the ceremony.

“What people need to realise is that you don’t just become a shitty third world country over night”, explained Africa. “It takes years of civil war and famine to get to the level that I’m at, and frankly, I don’t really appreciate some upstart country coming in and telling the world that it’s anywhere near the level I’m at. Need I really remind people that Zimbabwe is a part of me?”

“It almost seems like there’s this mentality these days that you can just get hit by a tidal wave or a tornado or whatever and all of a sudden Bono becomes your new best friend. We invented aids god damn it. They had two live8 concerts for us and we’re still here at the third world awards every year. We’ve earned our spot as the undisputed poverty continent, and for this hack to come in all of a sudden and think it’s a third world country now. It truly is beyond belief.”

Burma was also asked to comment, but was unable to be located. On a map.

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