Russia still can’t feel own toes; not convinced about global warming

PATRICK WILLIAMS

Russia, of cold war fame, last night declared to the UN their belief that global warming was either a myth or a poor name choice.

“We do not want to cause hostilities between ourselves and the rest of global community,” Mr Vitaly Churkin articulated at a UN conference yesterday, “but we must stress; it is still extremely cold in Mother Country.”

“So cold in fact, that last month our national bank account was frozen,” he further announced, before being informed by the United States representative that the bank situation was more likely due to 92 years of socialist based economic principles.

The announcement by the Russian Federation, whose main exports include dated economic principles, Ushankas, and games of chance where the reward for winning is not blowing your own head off, has been labeled as ‘convenient’ by critics.

“This is clearly an attempt to raise confidence in the Russian hat market,” said one economist, “However, I am confident that the seven customers in this market, namely hipsters, Canadians and lead singers of various indie bands, will not fall for it.”