Australia using their ‘secret weapon’ in Ashes

JULIAN SIEBER

The Australian cricket team has turned to their last resort for the 2010 Ashes series – channeling the spiritual power of recent legendary cricketers, David Boon, Merv Hughes and Tom Selleck.

Australian fast bowler Mitchell Johnson confessed to The Daily Gazelle that the team was told the only chance they had of matching up to England was to ‘grow the mo’ and assume the cricketing powers of Australia’s cricketing heroes.

“I mean, the team is not the strongest it could be,” said Johnson. ”We’ve lost some of the experience of our older players and that always hurts the team. Also, we thought John Travolta was playing, but, you know… that didn’t happen.

“It’s clear to anyone that these hairy guys had amazing powers beyond the average human. Hitting sixes, taking wickets and drinking mind-boggling amounts of booze. Sweet.”

Former Australian leg spinner and Ashes champion Shane Warne says that growing a moustache is an invaluable way of improving your cricketing game overnight.

“Growing a moustache is an invaluable way of improving your cricketing game overnight,” said Shane Warne. “Advanced Hair Studio’s strand-by-strand follicle stimulating technology can help yo-"

At this point in the interview, our reporters packed up their gear and left the room, all the time Mr Warne still talking about Advanced Hair Studios.

With the Ashes just beginning, we still have no idea how this strategy is going to turn out, but if it is successful, Cricket Australia has already promised that international cricketers representing Australia will no longer receive a baggy green, but instead a ‘hairy brown’ – a Merv Hughes-style fake moustache they must wear every game.